Today, 3 years ago, our lives changed permanently when my eldest son died. This post is not about what happened after. I've got 3 million words written in journal entries that talk about the trauma, pain, shattered hearts and dreams that came after.
Today is about a poem my son wrote when he was 13, and a phrase that I am taking as inspiration to try and find some type of peace.
Una voz delegada hablando a mi — a thin voice was speaking to me.
This is the poem. I wrote about it on the Finn Foundation site.
El Mar
Si no es el viento que viene del mar, Es una voz delegada hablando a mi. Sus colores son mas brillante que el cielo Y su reflejedad crea algo mejor que el hielo. El mar tiene un gran profundidad y me hace sentir un hermoso tranquilidad. Quando el agua salada toca los puntas de mis dedos, Algo pasa que es mejor que nada. Las olas suaves y lentos Como montanas alejandose Que son distintos que cantas.
Rather than use a translator to put this in English, I'm going to relate what I think this beautiful angel was thinking at the time, and translate it to the lessons I have learned from him.
The Sea
If it's not the wind coming from the sea, it's a thin but delicate voice talking to me. Its colours are brighter than the sky and its reflectivity creates something better than ice.
The sea has great depth that makes me feel a serene tranquility. When the salt water touches the tips of my fingers, something happens that's better than nothing.
The waves, soft and slow, are like the mountains moving away, and are different from songs.
For 3 years, I've been searching desperately for any type of meaning or purpose in life. As of a few weeks ago, the start of a thin voice started to speak to me. It's making me do things that I wouldn't ordinarily do, things that make me even think I'm going nuts. Maybe I am, but it's the only thing I feel like I know how to do.
One life, one mission, that's powered by Finn.
His thin voice is speaking to me. I'm trying to listen and follow it. It's hard at times, and I have so many doubts.
That something that is happening is better than nothing.
Dear Finn,
You are my angel and guiding love and light.
I will miss and love you forever.
Papa